I am just gonna do a post about being a yogi that is in a constant state of heartbreak.
If it weren't for my practice, I would have a really hard time putting a smile on my face these days. I fell in love real hard, then he disappeared. This is not the first time this has happened. In my quest for being a true yogi, the lesson of non attachment, particularly when it comes to love, shows up again and again... and again. So much so, that I don't think I have learned the lesson I am meant to learn.
While I try to figure out how to avoid the risk of falling in love with the wrong person on the quest to finding a real partner, I have learned that my practice is always the answer. It turns out that yogic philosophy has a lot to offer the dumped. Here is what I have found to be helpful in my many years of yoga practice and my many years of heartbreak.
Step One: No more dating Virgos. Ever.
Kidding.
Yogic help for the Broken Hearted
1) Pratyahara- withdrawal from the senses
Last week was Valentine's week, so to avoid crying in public, I just didn't go to the store. Similarly, It is not a good idea right now to go to the places you once loved to go together. It is not really a good idea to wrap yourself in his sweatshirt, either. It's actually even a terrible idea to just plain listen to music, like, at all.
Wash your stuff so you can't smell him anymore. Remove items from your home that remind you of him when you see them. Recreate your space with things that bring fond memories from other avenues of your life. Try your damndest not to hear the songs he used to play for you in your head. When those songs start to play, replace them with mantra.
2) Ahimsa- non harming
It's healing time, so that means you are in an elevated space when it comes to sensitivity. It is essential that you employ strategies that will help you remain kind to yourself. Remember not to blame yourself for the loss or to go over all of the things you wish you had done differently. When you catch yourself doing that, redirect your mind to a mantra. Notice when tendencies begin to feel harmful, like searching for your ex on social media, for example, and cut them. Last week I went into his 'recently added friends,' and of course saw something that hurt me. I immediately blocked him so I would stop picking at my scabs. I didn't even realize I was doing it at the time.
Ahimsa is a huge challenge for me, because pain is real and confusion is a hard place to sit. Loneliness when you crave companionship is cruel, and feeling that there are parts of ourselves that are not lovable can really mess with our heads. Sometimes our coping mechanisms are actually causing us harm (social media stalking, drinking/smoking to excess, staring at the wall and forgetting to eat, etc.). That is why ahimsa needs to be a constant check. When we are dumped or mistreated, we can lose our sense of self value and self worth. When we in turn treat ourselves this way, we are actually magnifying the effect of the harm that was done to us. We need to sleep, we need to eat, we need to put the hurt down. We need to treat ourselves with the kind of love we would offer to a friend who is hurting. There is already enough pain inside. It's time for pedicures and bubble baths and warm meals, and all the little comforts that help us heal.
3) Brahmacharya- moderation
This limb of yogic philosophy is often associated with sex, but it essentially has to do with limiting our own indulgences and actions. Although my tendency during heartbreak is to swipe [dating apps] fervently, the last thing I want to do is sit across the table from a stranger right now. If I try to fill this hole in my heart by dating some random person, I am just covering up my problem with another one. I don't know when I will want to date again, but I do know that right now would be a really terrible time to meet me.
While it can seem helpful to numb the pain with external stimulants, it serves us better and is more sustaining to find things like meditation to soothe the mind. It is easy to form dependencies on alcohol, food, screens, or even exercise in times of hardship. Much better to be dependent upon our practice.
And finally, activities need to be restorative in scope. I am saying "no" to the big parties, social gatherings with acquaintances, and networking lunch dates. I am replacing these with sitting in my best friends' living rooms, curling up on the couch with my kitty, and talking on the phone with my mom.
4) Svadhyaya- Self Study
Notice what you are lacking, and ask for it if you can't provide it for yourself. Continue to watch your energy level, your to do list, your calendar. Fill your days and your body and your life with things that are nourishing and helpful. You have to be vigilant with this one, because it is so easy to indulge in the pain and the numbness. Make efforts to be introspective, not critical (therapy can help with this). Take some time to define what you need and what you want out of your life and your relationships. Remember to get your basic needs met, in the process. That reminds me, I am going to get up and drink a glass of water right now.
5) Sadhana- Personal Practice
While the previous nuggets of yoga philosophy were true gems of tangible assistance, Sadhana is the crown jewel of tangible success. When it finally began to sink in that I was losing my best-yet love, I realized that I was showing signs of depression. I needed to take a new course of action, so I simply started going to bed earlier. I started waking up earlier, and I doubled the amount of time I was spending on my cushion every morning. Not only is this idea helpful because it reduces the amount of waking time I am spending being sad, it is essential because it is the sole effort needed to send me to the next chapter of my life. It is only my practice, my commitment to myself, and my desire for change and growth on a real level that will usher me into a phase of post-heartbreak.
And, when the hurt and the questioning and the confusion subside, the best part is that your practice is still there for you. And, just like you, it got stronger. because it had to.
